Wednesday, March 15, 2006

And They Call It "Baby Blues"

Three months ago I was all too eager to meet the person who had been living rent free for 9 months and even after he'd been served an eviction notice, still didn't want to move out! I was looking forward to tickling the toes that had been playing soccer with my bladder, holding and rocking to sleep, the little one who seemed to do more than rock me to sleep. I was ready to be a hands on mommy! What I wasn't ready for was "The Baby Blues that set in right after Ryan had gone back to work. Things were challenging at first I'll admit, but at least we were going through it together. We were both sleep deprived, smelled like poo, and trying desperately hard to figure out when the last time we fed the baby. I didn't trust myself to go up and down the stairs with the baby in my arms, because I would have vision of me slipping and falling down the stairs and the baby would fall first, hitting every hardwood step along the way. Of course this never happened but, it among other things worried me. I never thought that I could break my child , he was 9lbs when he was born and was pretty substantial. I would sit and stare at him and my mind would start to play tricks on me. I'd see him getting hurt but it was never me hurting him, it was me neglecting him and things happen. It got pretty graphic and these were during my awake hours and during what few sleep hours I got they'd haunt me there. If all that wasn't enough, I would cry, and cry, and cry, and cry some more! About what you may ask? Most times I had no clue. My hormones really got the best of me and I hated the fact that I couldn't control them. I had consulted the new parent bible "What to expect the first year", the web and other mommies and it was only supposed to last a few weeks... HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO people , I'm talking 2.5 months. I have to say that it is getting better and the visions I have now are of him being potty trained, getting his won breakfast and letting mommy catch a couple of extra ZZzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. :)

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